Movie Misnomers of 2015

Movie Misnomers of 2015

By

Leonard Zwelling

         What a strange year in cinema!

         You think you are going to one kind of movie based on the
title, only to find once you have settled in with your popcorn, that a
completely different film is before you. Of course, this is after the 20
minutes of advertisements and 25 more of awful unattractive coming attractions
for the films opening in January. These trailers are for films that Hollywood
wishes would go away but the genius studio MBAs have committed to releasing so
do so during the Tinseltown equivalent of April Fools Day where the studios
give up all pretense of quality and release the latest garbage that you will
try to escape. Of course, that is until you settle in once again at 35,000 feet
and find it staring at you from the seat back of the frequent flyer in front of
you. It’s not like you can walk out there.

         So as a service to you, blog readers, here’s what these
films are NOT about:

The Danish Girl is NOT the
second installment in the Jewish delicatessen trilogy that began with DeliMan
and will conclude later this year with the Passover release of the story of an
Israeli soccer team that uses new math to win the league championship. It’s
working title is MatzohBall.

Carol is NOT about the
origins of the custom of singing Christmas songs while strolling through the
snow.

45 Years is NOT the true
length of Carol. It only seems that long.

The Hateful Eight is NOT a
remake of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs with an all female cast of dwarfs and
Eddie Redmayne as Snow White, NOR is it about the Republican primaries, NOR is
it about the upper administration of MD Anderson.

Inside Out is NOT about
the garment district and the origins of the reversible hoodie.

The Martian is NEITHER
about the latest protest movement to invade The Mall of the Americas NOR the
tale of a young couple of Wall Street high fliers who chuck it all to open a B
and B in the lowlands of Ireland (March In and Marsh Inn, get it?)

The Big Short is NOT a
Michael Bloomberg biopic.

Star Wars is NOT about the
Kardashians. How could it be?

Trumbo is NOT a 3D version
of the Disney classic about a small circus elephant.

Love and Mercy is NOT
about a little league tennis team in which all matches that reach 5-0 are
called a tie and both players get trophies.

Brooklyn is NOT about a
borough of New York City all that much.

The Revenant is NOT about
anything as that is a word no one had ever heard before (it’s a corpse arisen
from the dead, supposedly) and besides the film was irrevenant except for the
bear.

         I sure hope that helps you when selecting a theater, DVD or
airplane when you decide to take in another Hollywood film. How bad is it? So
bad that when I tried to make up a Top 10 list, I couldn’t get to ten. If you
see The Big Short, Inside Out, Love and Mercy, and Trumbo, you have covered the
waterfront of quality for the year.

Helpful
safety tip. Stay home and watch cable instead. The movies get there eventually
anyway.