A Most Delicate Balance: Being True To Your Emotions While Keeping Them Under Control
By
Leonard Zwelling
My life today has no resemblance to the one I led in the early part of this century. Then, I was a Vice President at MD Anderson responsible for oversight of the research activities regulated by the federal government. That included human subjects research, animal care and use, biosafety, research misconduct, and conflict of interest issues.
Given these responsibilities, I had to interact with people, especially faculty, all day long. No matter how irate a faculty member might be about a decision made about his or her research by one of the institutional oversight committees, I had to stay calm. My emotions were not for me to give into even if under attack.
Yes, that happened, especially in the early days of my tenure. The FDA had given me direct and specific instructions about computer systems that had to be installed at MD Anderson if the institution was to be allowed to continue to perform research with human subjects. These new systems were a pain for the faculty to use and at great variance from what little oversight was guiding clinical research before that time.
For the most part, I kept my cool. I was far from perfect, but the systems got installed, the faculty learned to use them, and the federal government stayed away. That was my world from 1995 to early 2002. After that, some poor health intervened and soon I was no longer effective at my job. By 2004, I had moved on from clinical research oversight and by 2007, I was no longer a vice president. Still, all in all, I had a pretty good run.
Today, obviously, no one reports to me and I have no oversight over anything or anybody but myself. Still, I do interact with people and doing that effectively requires both the cognizance of my immediate emotions and the mindful ability to keep them in check.
The one place I do this really poorly is with some members of my family. Why?
I feel very close to my family and also feel that it is my responsibility to help them in any way I can. Therein lies the dilemma. There may be nothing that elevates my emotions more than my relationships with my family, and the formula that worked as Vice President should be adhered to with them as well. If I am trying to get through to one of my family members who I think is going in the wrong direction, even as it stokes my emotions, I must be even calmer here, even more mindful, even more accepting.
This is very hard. You want only the best for your family and you don’t want them hurt, yet interacting with them while giving in to your emotions will undoubtedly hurt them and yourself. It is hard to remember that they may not see anything the same way you do.
Your emotions are a big part of who you are. You want to be honest with the people closest to you and to yourself, but when you and they are in conversation, the last thing a family member wants is a spurt of your emotion trying to convince them that they are wrong.
Rather the key is to meet the family member as closely as possible at their current place, especially emotionally. Meet the person with empathy, acceptance, and try to understand where they are. If you can do that, that person might listen to what you have to say.
Like a I said above, it’s really hard and I often do this poorly. It takes a great deal of work. Even stating what is true must be filtered, distilled, softened. Your truth may not be their truth.
There are no guarantees. I do know that even when you want to scream at a family member, you must do the exact opposite. You don’t disengage. You engage in a new and different way that puts your emotions safely away and focuses on those of the other person.
I am still trying to do this well. I shall continue to try.
