The Stupid Bowl: It Scares
the Hell Out of ‘Em
By
Leonard Zwelling
No one watching the annual spectacle of American excess
called the Super Bowl can deny it any longer. The most powerful force in the
universe is stupidity. Whether it is the “dead kid” commercial, the spilled
Coke in the server ad or the only truly clever ad with Bryant Gumble and Katie
Couric for BMW, these 30-second spots hit a new low for absolute inanity.
And
don’t give me the one about the importance of Dads who are race car drivers as
a counterweight to the “dead kid” one. Looking back on my own adventures in
parenthood, I think there is more than ample evidence that Dads do some things
better than Moms, but not many. And so what? This was clearly another appeal to
the heartstrings of the American female because most of us males don’t race
cars.
How
about a better idea? No ads at all or stick to dogs and horses. Using President
Kennedy’s voice to sell Carnival Cruises? What’s next using Walter Reed’s voice
to sell Deep Woods OFF? Perhaps we can use Dr. DePinho’s voice to sell Dr. DePinho. At
least that way we get honesty.
Then there was the half time show that I have to confess I
watched on youtube and was glad I did because had I not, I might have thought
it was supposed to represent American talent and I would have gagged on the
tortilla chips I was eating instead. It’s not the performers that were weak. It was the music. Or,
rather, what music? Every “song” sounded
exactly the same and there was not a hummable bar that I heard. Personally I
thought the sharks stole the show because while I have seen a lot of pop divas
sing pop anthems of no meaning or particular relevance, I hadn’t seen
uncoordinated sharks on dry land before. In short, re: the half time show, I get the
Rolling Stones and Bruce Springsteen. I don’t get Bruno Mars or Katy Perry, but
I don’t get their music either so I cannot be expected to be wowed by their
live antics.
I
think I sound like my parents did when they first saw the Beatles on Ed
Sullivan.
But the real proof of stupidity is Seattle’s offensive
coordinator calling a pass play on 2nd down one yard from winning
the game. This now proves that what most people from Seattle have in their brains
is—flannel. How dumb do you have to be to not take three pokes at the goal line
with an almost unstoppable running back? Obviously, dumb enough to qualify for
Pete Carroll’s staff.
The one thing I heard about the Super Bowl that makes sense
to me is that it scares the hell out of ISIS. They are thinking: “If those
Americans can mount such organized chaos on television, can you imagine what
they could do to us on the battle field?
I
suggest we have Super Bowl L in Abu Dhabi and have a separate ISIS women’s
section so they can have the fear of the American God known as Capitalism
struck into them and scream running into the sand dunes at the thought of
having animated sharks attack their camels, goats and children, followed by
Navy SEALS riding into battle on mechanical roaring lions and having missiles fired
from drones that appear to be shooting stars with the NBC logo on them.
Is
that a plan, or what?
